The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 1960
Alright, a new decade to venture through! While the 60s is a decade associated with The Beatles, fantastic Rock N Roll, Psychadelia, and sonic innovations of all kinds, you’ll be hard-pressed to find anything too special in these early years of the 60s. That being said, 1960 was a slight improvement over 1959, at least in my opinion. The highs were just a little better than 1959, and the worst music of this year was a lot more forgiving to listen to, not to mention less plentiful. I had to really shop around and think deeply to find songs I really disliked. Let’s get into the Dishonorable Mentions!
DM #1: Mark Dinning – Teen Angel
Peak: #1 Year-End: #5
I originally had this one on the list, but I changed my mind at the last minute. I really don’t dislike this one at all. It’s not objectionable at all, it’s just really draining to listen to. This is the first instance of a trend in Pop Music from this era colloquially known as “Teen Tragedy”, wherein a character (usually a teenager) dies. Imagine Romeo & Juliet but mid.
It’s firmly “not-for-me”, but I guess if some sad teenagers cried to it back in 1960, I can’t say it didn’t do its job. “Teen Angel” isn’t the worst version of the “Teen Tragedy”, but it lacks anything distinctive about it other than the cause of death is because the titular character went back to her car to fish out a wedding ring she left behind. That little detail is what ultimately got me to take it off the list.
DM #2: Joe Jones – You Talk Too Much
Peak: #3 Year-End: #89
Like with “Teen Angel”, I originally had this song on the list because, as someone who enjoys hearing the words that come out of my mouth and / or keyboard, a song about getting mad at someone for talking too much really pisses me off.
But honestly, after re-listening to this one, I kinda get it. Don’t we all have that one person in our lives that yammers too much about shit they really don’t have to? I don’t think this song has any ill-intent, so I’m not going to put it on the list. That being said, I really don’t like this guy’s singing voice or the way he delivers the “taaaaaaaa-aaaaa-aaaaaak tew much” part.
And yep, only 2 dishonorable mentions, this year was very nice to my ears. So, without further Ado, let’s get onto the list!
10. Brian Hyland – Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polkadot Bikini
Peak: #1 Year-End: #19
Of the Novelty Song Number Ones during this pre-Beatles era, I’d hardly call “Itsy Bitsy T– Actually fuck it I’m not writing all that down again–”Small Bathing Suit” the worst. It’s not good; the melody alters between being insufferably catchy and ungodly simple, and it’s cheesy in a way that doesn’t hold up well 2/3rds of a century removed from when it came out.
The central focus of this song is how the girl who owns the titular article of clothing is embarrassed to be seen in it and goes to great lengths to hide it. The why is never once explained, elaborated, or implied, so your guess is as good as mine. I do think it’s kind of icky that this song is presented in the form of gossip of all things, but if I had to pinpoint why it’s presented that way, it would be to consider the era the song was written in.
Bikinis were a lot more scandalous in the 60s than in the sexually un-repressed 2020s, and the idea of some shy girl being insecure about being caught wearing one would certainly make more sense to make a song out of then, but I really can’t help but feel like this is just a product of its time more than anything.
I guess I’m glad they choose not to objectify or sexualize this girl in any way (which for a song that came out in 1960, is certainly laudable), and this song never really gets any worse than kinda-irritating but I find there to be no reason to return to this song in the present day apart from appreciating how antiquated it’s become.
9. Ron Holden – Love You So
Peak: #7 Year-End: #48
This song is the prime example of an otherwise-decent song dragged down by a single songwriting choice I cannot stand. In this case, it’s that irritating, slightly off-beat metronome(?) that singlehandedly turns what would have been a sweet love song into an annoying, torturous 3-and-a-half minute Pavlovian experiment from hell. Disappointing.
8. Jimmy Jones – Good Timin’
Peak: #3 Year-End: #31
I know some of you are probably thinking how crazy it is that Jim Jones had a Top Five hit but need I remind you which Jim Jones I’m referring to…
No, not that Jim Jones.
And not this one either, though I will be sure to make this exact same joke when I get to 2007.
No, we’re talking about this Jim Jones:
He likes to be called Jimmy. I wouldn’t blame him… he had two big hits this year, and they both sucked ass. This is the lesser evil of the two so let’s just get over this one real quick.
This song is kind of like “Hard Headed Woman”, that bad Elvis Presley song from 1958, in that it uses historical and religious contexts as the basis in the verses for the central conceit of the song. This time, it’s not about how stubborn women screw men over, but how good timing is cool because then you get to meet the love of your life. It’s not a bad thing to write a song about, but when you spend so much time in the short 2 minutes allotted establishing this concept, it sounds more like someone’s High School English essay than an actual song (and mind you, there were literal hit songs this year about historical events themselves).
What further drags this song down is Jones himself, who doesn’t have the charisma of a Lloyd Price or warmth of a Jackie Wilson needed to convey this subject matter, instead belting out “tocka tocka tocka tocka” in an ear-grating falsetto. The end result is a song with about as much depth as a parking lot rain puddle and the listening experience equivalent of having to trudge around in soggy socks after stepping in said puddle.
Why’s he on my Land O Lakes Butter?
7. Johnny Preston – Running Bear
Peak: #1 Year-End: #4
I do have one nice thing to say about this song, and it’s that this song really doesn’t give a fuck. The very first thing you hear when you press play is an oppressive chanting of “oomba-oomba, oomba-oomba”. They really don’t make music like this anymore…And for a good reason!
Remember “Teen Angel”? Yeah this is that but Native-Americanized because idk. Honestly, that aesthetic is, like, the least of this song’s problems in my eyes. This song is on the list because it sounds bad and the Swing Jazz music doesn’t fit with a song about literally committing suicide to be with your love. Preston has an alright singing voice, but he’s just not the right guy for this type of song, and other than a decent bassline, there’s not much here that rises above mediocre Jazz fare.
#6: Tie: Paul Anka – Puppy Love & My Home Town
Peaks: #2 / #8 Year-Ends: #23 & #77
I take back what I said in my last Worst List, Paul Anka sucks badly. His voice sucks, his music sucks, and these two songs right here don’t buck that trend.
“Puppy Love” is a melodramatic slog of a…breakup tune? It’s not really made clear in the song why Anka is no longer with this girl (he dedicated the song to Annette Funicello), but that doesn’t matter because Paul Anka is singing it and that is basically this song’s only distinguishable quality. If you like hearing AI-generated Elvis Presley rip-offs caterwauling in your ears for 3 minutes, I’m sure you’ll like this one fine enough.
“My Home Town” is different though. Like, when I heard this song, I was shocked! This song sounds like it was genuinely written and performed by a fucking 7-year-old. I say this with no hyperbole, “My Home Town” by Paul Anka is the most amateur set of lyrics I have ever heard. The song is just meandering about how he visited his home town with absolutely no intrigue whatsoever.
I’m not even particularly convinced Anka willingly performed this song, given that he sounds really…stilted here. He sounds miserable performing this and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t redeem this song just a little bit. If he can feel pain, he must be human after all.
5. The Four Preps – Down By the Station
Peak: #13 Year-End: #60
I have a hard time parsing who exactly is supposed to enjoy “Down By the Station” by The Four Preps. On one hand, it was originally a piece of children’s music, but the Quartet of Jocks here decided to re-write it into a douchy song about hitting on a bunch of girls, so we can rule out that angle.
As a song about picking up girls, it’s pretty damn horrendous. The synopsis is that he mets Girl #1 (yes, he numbers the girls, really), says he loves her, then meets girl #2 at a malt shop and does the same. But when he does the same down at the station (hence the title), Girl #3 tells him to go fuck himself because the first two girls told her about him. In theory, this should be a good tale about a jackass getting his dues for being a womanizer, but it falls flat for a number of reasons.
First, this song does not have the composition, performance, or energy to make that kind of lesson work. It’s too mellow and pleasant to properly convey the douchebaggery in a competent way, which is why it really doesn’t make sense why they converted children’s music into their rizz-downfall anthem. I guess it’s pleasant enough as a composition, which is why it’s not any lower, but all that does in practice is slightly obscure the unpleasantness in this lyric.
4. Jimmy Jones – Handy Man
Peak: #2 Year-End: #8
Good Timin’”, but worse. If “Good Timin’” had a below-average set of lyrics, “Handy Man” manages to outdo it by having an unlikeable set of lyrics. Basically, Jones brags about being able to fix broken hearts pretty much every day. What a Playboy! It’s pretty douchy, and not to mention, He. Cannot. Fucking. Sing. In. A. FALSETTO!!!
Jones is seemingly unable on this song to go more than 2 lines without bursting out into a hair-raisingly piercing falsetto. It is immediately painful, and by the end of the song I just want him to shut the hell up! Say what you want about the James Taylor cover from 1977, at least that song was low-key in a respectable way.
3. The Fendermen – Mule Skinner Blues
Peak: #5 Year-End: #44
My problems with this song are very surface-level. It’s hard to listen to by design because of the atrocious mix quality, but the singer here also literally cannot go 2 lines without bursting into laughter and sounding like Goofy for some reason, and so I think it’s unfair to credit this song to just The Fendermen when Goofy is also very present on the track.
The melody here is basically non-existent, and apart from a really pitchy guitar solo, there’s nothing sonically of note. It’s basically “Surfin’ Bird” 4 years before that came out. The song it’s based on is in the public domain though, so anyone and everyone from Dolly Parton to Bob Dylan has performed this at some point. God, I cannot wait to talk about those artists!
2. Bobby Rydell – Little Bitty Girl
Peak: #19 Year-End: #96
Okay, so, remember “Bobby Sox to Stockings” by Frankie Avalon from my last Worst List? Remember how that song is basically just fetishizing teenage girls? This song right here is worse than that one. It’s all in the title, really. He wants a little bitty girl. Not a small girl, not a short girl, not a little girl, a little bitty girl.
I would say he should be thrown in jail for saying that, but this was originally just a B-side that people listened to enough to just barely make it onto the Year-End. Matter of fact, this song was written by two men: Clinton Ballard and Fred Tobias, who also wrote, oh look at that, “Good Timin’”, Neat.
Anyways, I don’t really need to explain why desperately wanting a ‘little bitty girl’ is problematic and bad, nor am I going to cancel Rydell. Instead, I have to question why anyone, dear God anyone, would choose to listen to this song. Rydell was one of the biggest names in music in 1960, yes, but this song was literally just a B-side for the actual hit, “Wild One”. A pox on the listening public of 1960 for listening to this travesty.
1. Larry Verne – Mr. Custer
Peak: #1 Year-End: #42
Comedy Music has always been a genre with a reliable stream of God-awful music. From Ray Stevens to Lil Dicky, there’ll be a healthy deluge of the stuff throughout the years on my various worst lists (and a few best lists, as we’ve seen with The Coasters), and “Mr. Custer” might very well be the worst of them all.
This one of the least song-sounding pieces of music I’ve ever heard, with virtually no instruments besides percussion and…some kind of guitar that plays one note throughout the entire song. The entire song has the same ooga-booga-bullshit as “Running Bear”, but instead of Johnny Preston’s decent Bobby Darin impression, we have……Larry Verne.
This dude is quite possibly the worst singer I have ever heard in my entire life. He makes other bad singers like Chris Brown and Lisa Velez sound like Mariah Carey by comparison. He has this weird ability to sing with the sensation of blowing air directly into your ears, the first ever human blow dryer. And that’s not even getting to his accent; the most uncannily hick-sounding voice I’ve ever heard. It sounds like the love child of Morgan Wallen and Senator John Neely Kennedy had a speech impediment.
Let’s not forget the actual subject of this song, which is about a cowardly soldier during The Battle of Little Bighorn (commonly known as Custer’s Last Stand). Frankly, the fact that this song makes light of the events of this battle almost escapes my critical faculties because the rest of the song sucks ass, but I still can’t let it off the hook because that is a really stupid thing to theme a comedy song after. Oh, and it’s not funny either, like at all!
It’s too early in this series to say whether or not “Mr. Custer” is the worst Hit Song of all time, or even the 60s, but it is, indubitably, the Worst Hit Song of 1960.
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